January 16th, 2012

chamois

An apology, to the friends who clearly ARE here

I said this in the comment thread in a different post, but I wanted to make sure it was more visible.

...you're absolutely right that the fear and pain are distorting my impressions. I'm sorry if I wasn't thinking clearly enough to label this post specifically, so people would know that this was how I felt more than how I think. Truth is, I not only don't really believe that I'm getting my sympathy -- how could I, with all these wonderful people answering me here? -- but also truly don't mind my ex getting it too. I just wanted it to be 'too' rather than 'instead of', and that's been made pretty clear here, and I appreciate it a lot.

The problems are (as most problems are) more confined to specific details than all over the broad strokes that I, and most people, paint with when I'm feeling devastated. I'm concerned by the complete lack of friends who both live nearby enough and are close enough emotionally to me that I can call them and ask them to come help me with something, whether the something is practical or emotional. That's a specific issue, though, not a general one like "I'm not getting any sympathy from anyone," which is clearly not true.


I'm realizing, in the slightly more pulled-together light of a new morning, that I might have seemed to be discounting the friends who have shown sympathy to me all along by implying that I didn't have any, and I never meant to do that. I'm more grateful for the people who care about me than I can say, whether they live in the third bedroom down the hall or halfway around the world. I feel alone right now, not because of anything anyone else has done or failed to do, but because I'm overwhelmed and hurting, and that's not the fault of my friends, and I'm very sorry I've sounded ungrateful. I'm not, truly.

I'm also sorry I've let myself get drawn down the rabbit-hole of answering untruths instead of concentrating on my own life. It's not useful, it's not my business, and it's not where I'm going to go again. I have a serious knee-jerk reaction about inaccuracy, even when it's unintentional (as I'm sure these were), and especially when they're about me. But that's not where I need my energy to go, and heaven knows there's enough places where I do need it to go, and little enough energy, that I'm going to try and just stay centered and out of any more conflicts.

Thank you to everyone who's shown such patience with me, even when I've made mistakes in how to deal with a difficult time. I love and appreciate you all. And I know you're there, even though I wish most of you were a lot closer. :)
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